good evening friends.
Just to warn you, I don't think this post is going to be to random. Its more a personal way to work some stuff out, pardon me for being ambigous, for the lack of connected thought and (of course) if I would happen to offend anyone I am terribly sorry.
( I mean that )

Ok, so a couple of weeks ago Josh was a big idiot and did some stuff that he didn't talk with his parents about and they they weren't happy with him, and then another person brought up more issues with him, and then Josh found out that he had offended other people by not talking to his parents thereby putting them in an untenable position, then Josh found out that some of his bestest ever friends were feeling a little neglected and unloved. Josh is also trying to work his job, teach his lessons, practice for a concert, get a relationship going, apply for grad school, and stay current on the world at large. Needless to say, I either failed or completed the above items somewhat shoddily.

One of the reasons I tend to stay away from making deep, spiritual applications in my posts is because it always rings false when I try. It sounds cliched, tired, and weak, but in this case I have to make the application. In the midst of the craziness of my life - I got away from relying on God, and from the people that God had put in my life to sustain me. I got wrapped up in my own desires and wishes and forgot to keep God guiding me. As a result God stopped the train (rather violently) that he had started so that I could realize that I needed my conductor back (sorry for the cliched analogy).

Soooo couple of things.
1. I apologize to my friends for not being there all the time for them. Its not a lack of desire but more of trying to balance a new life with an old one. I love you all (and I do mean that in a mocking way.)
2. I admit that I'll never be good enough to punch my own ticket.

I went to Chambers Choir today for the first time since I graduated and Dad had this Hungarian guy (missionary to Hungary) come and sing and he sang "Why should He love me so" and when he was done he said something like "I don't know why He should love me, I still wonder at that" More than anything, I forgot God. I forgot His mercy, His love, His compassion. I became selfish and withdrawn, closeminded and arrogant. I forgot His holiness, and His judgement allowing myself to be drawn from His side and forgetting the price that was/is inevitable. And so I apologize to each and every one of you that I have hurt - some of you I need to talk to in person and I will.

I love you all

p.s. sorry for the rambles - if I didn't make any sense I am sorry - it was at least cathartic for me.